Foods I Hate

I like to keep things pretty positive around here, but our annual obsession with everyone's favorite Easter abomination brought some bad tastes to my mouth.

I have never been a picky eater. One doesn't get to be as big as I've been for most of my life by scoffing at a wide variety of foods. However, there are a few items that I simply cannot stand and do not eat unless faced with extraordinary circumstances. So here, in order, are the top 5 foods that make me cringe.

5. Ketchup - It's not so much the condiment itself, but the way it's used. My contemporaries have used ketchup to burn and destroy flavors on a variety of foods from eggs to potatoes and even rice (which is just plain gross). Want to make me angry? Take a bite of my cooking and utter the k-word.

Why must we, as a nation, obliterate flavors with this onslaught of tomatoes, sugar and vinegar? Why do we have to drown our sustenance in red goo? I say if food doesn't taste good enough to enjoy without this gastronomic earth scorcher, learn to cook better.

We only have ketchup in our household to (lightly) glaze meatloaf, which is completely different.

4. Eggplant - My family has been making this gooey vegetable since I was knee-high to a corn pole, and I still can't get that nasty bitter flavor out of my mouth. I try to love the cone-headed orbs, but every time I try them I just gag and give up. The Italians must feel the same way, because they've resorted to drowning their eggplants in cheese and red sauce.

The only notable exception is Japanese eggplant. It's sweetness and texture are perfect, not to mention it's ability to produce electronics and automobiles of exceptional quality.

3. Cotton Candy - If I wanted to eat fiberglass insulation, I'd go to Home Depot. Nuff said.

2. Marshmallows (including fluff and Peeps) - Here's an idea. Let's get pure all-natural corn syrup, aerate it and make it so it sticks to everything. Oh, and we'll engineer it so that eating even one makes you feel bloated and sick. I eat exactly 2 marshmallows a year - on s'mores - and that's only because I can't get the darn chunk of chocolate onto a stick. I have to use that sugar-based napalm to melt it to the cracker.

Oh, and the only thing Peeps are good for is blowing up in the microwave.

1. Funnel Cakes - And behold Satan opened his realm and produced a concession so vile, so disgusting, so terrifying that the Earth trembled and babies cried everywhere. The funnel cake is so nasty that it's not just bad - it's unholy.

I can just see the evil one conjuring up this monstrosity. First, find a dough recipe that will soak up about a cup of peanut oil during frying. Then cook it until it loses all flavor. Finally, blast it with 20 cups of powdered sugar (which promptly soaks up the excess oil turning into some mutant sugar-oil paste). Serve cold on a sagging paper plate with no napkins.

Funnel cakes are best eaten when it's about 90° outside with 90% relative humidity, which is average for carnivals and theme parks.

The only power strong enough to combat this menace is the almighty hot dog. But that's a different post...